knowing, knowing, knowing
As this was a major objective of my travels, and I know many have been actively supportive and encouraging of my decision to do this, I have tried to write extensively and honestly on my experience. I hope it makes sense, I'm still making sense of it myself.
The foundation of the meditation was mindfulness, being constantly aware of what you are doing in the moment. Walking mediation is following a certain style of footstep (this changes as you progress) and concentrating on the movements of you feet. Sitting meditation is sitting cross-legged and motionless and focussing on the rhythmic breath and body.
The course at Ram Poeng is described as rigorous by the Lonely Planet, now I understand!
The Wat itself was beautiful, good accommodation, good meals (although not eating after 11am was a rule I had to break). There were about 15 other westerners there, all coming and going at different times, and about 30 Thais, mainly women there also to learn the meditation.
Although we were not supposed to talk to each other (to keep the experience purely individual), the friendliness of the Thais was hard to ignore. Apart from this, not talking was not difficult at all for me, while it is quite difficult for some. I guess all the time living, working and travelling by myself I have become used to it. There were plenty of days in Darwin where I would go to work, come home and not speak to another soul except Ginger for a day or so.
I used to think this was sad, but after coming out of the Wat and taking to others for the first time I realised, shit, some people talk too bloody much!
Being in the temple environment, with no phone, no books, no pen and paper, I didn’t even take my camera(!) was good. There were times (many) when I just did not want to meditate, then I would realise that there was absolutely nothing else to do, we were not even allowed to sleep during the day or before 10 pm. I’d never been so glad to go to sleep in my life, even on that thin, so-called ‘mattress’.
There was no-one looking over my shoulder, and once a day I would shuffle in on my knees and prostrate myself 3 times before the Abbot and report to him on my progress. Any complaints he’d heard a thousand times before and would brush over. When I told him that my right leg got so numb I could not feel it or stand on it afterwards, he said, but you still have the other leg to get up. He’d say, sit for 5 more minutes and try to do 9 hours. Some people were sitting for an hour and doing over 12 hours a day.
I started out at 15 minutes each walking and sitting, then another 15 minutes of each, as many times possible in a day. The meditation was not so much about clearing my mind completely, something I always find frustrating, but recognising and acknowledging thoughts (thinking, thinking, thinking), feelings (feeling, feeling, feeling), sounds (hearing, hearing, hearing) etc, as they occur then refocussing on the meditation. It emphasises the impermenance of suffering, joy, want, hunger, desire, materialilty.
My difficulty was focussing on the moment. I would start the slow walk, one foot after the other, concentrating of the lifting, moving, and placing of the foot, and be thinking about when the timer would go off to mark the end of my time. When the goal was always to be thinking about nothing more than the movement I was in at the time. Living for the moment. I thought I was getting good at this, but I have a ways to go. I would be thinking how endless 30 minutes seem of rising/falling breath and often had to remind myself that this was where I wanted to be. I would think about lunch, or what I would do when I left, or sleep or memories from yesterday or years ago and remind myself that none of that mattered. I was there, I had nowhere else to be I had no other obligation or duty in the universe except to pour my concentration into my current breath or footstep.
When I got it, it was great. For time and people and obligations to disappear and to focus only on my physical self was exactly what I had been looking for and wishing for. It did produce an inner peace, a slowing down, a good aloneness and a calmness that I have been needing for a long time. There were moments where I felt euphoric at my achievement, moments when I was completely focussed on exactly what I was doing, and many more moments when I struggled against frustration, boredom, impatience, self-doubt, fatigue and hunger.
So what did I learn? Some things I knew like a lack of willpower, and propensity to want to give-up, and an accomplished ability for procrastination and fafferising? But slowly realised something I found more significant. The extent of which surprised me. As I acknowledged my thoughts, feelings and actions came to understand the extent they are driven by my insecurity. (Ah der! You’re saying, but you know you can’t tell me anything).
It was, in way the bolt of lightening, or end-of-book realisation I was hoping for. I’d say that my insecurity drives 90 percent of the thoughts, actions and feelings that bring me discomfit is omnipresent. This is not as depressing as it sounds, certainly the realisation is positive. I think knowing oneself is better than not knowing, knowing and accepting clears the way for understanding and considerate action.
Where now? Well, I’ve been trying for years to overcome my insecurity, self-help books, saying ‘I love you, you’re a wonderful person’ to the mirror! But none of that has helped. I’d say I’m never going to change that, the way forward for me now, I hope, is to work more on recognising when my insecurity is driving me and re-steer myself in a better direction. Recognition leads to re-evaluation and a changing of one’s thoughts, I learned that through all the 10 cent counselling I had when I was down.
Honestly, I ended up leaving after 7 days, instead of staying the full 10. I could not get past 30 minutes sitting at a time, and could not manage more than 8 hours a day. After struggling for 3 days to progress past this point, I decided the unhappiness and stress this was causing me was counter-productive to the initial benefits of the meditation. I finished up on Wednesday afternoon, but waited a few days before writing to see how much had remained with me.
I knew I was going against everything that I had been learning, at least I had learnt enough to know that. The suffering, the stalling and the struggle are part of the learning. But I left with that awareness and l left the Wat happily, especially thanks to a lack of judgement from the teacher and myself. I remain happy with my decision. I may try again some time, in a different way, and I will try other things that encourage mindfulness in other ways, like yoga (have been twice since I got back). There is more than one path to enlightenment.
I am still the same person, but one step closer to being her.
Oh, I did go a few days without smoking, but am smoking again, trying to smoke mindfully.
And that woman did not pay me back. I’ll have to mediate long and hard to find peace on that one.
Health, happiness and peace to everyone, except that bitch from South Africa.
The foundation of the meditation was mindfulness, being constantly aware of what you are doing in the moment. Walking mediation is following a certain style of footstep (this changes as you progress) and concentrating on the movements of you feet. Sitting meditation is sitting cross-legged and motionless and focussing on the rhythmic breath and body.
The course at Ram Poeng is described as rigorous by the Lonely Planet, now I understand!
The Wat itself was beautiful, good accommodation, good meals (although not eating after 11am was a rule I had to break). There were about 15 other westerners there, all coming and going at different times, and about 30 Thais, mainly women there also to learn the meditation.
Although we were not supposed to talk to each other (to keep the experience purely individual), the friendliness of the Thais was hard to ignore. Apart from this, not talking was not difficult at all for me, while it is quite difficult for some. I guess all the time living, working and travelling by myself I have become used to it. There were plenty of days in Darwin where I would go to work, come home and not speak to another soul except Ginger for a day or so.
I used to think this was sad, but after coming out of the Wat and taking to others for the first time I realised, shit, some people talk too bloody much!
Being in the temple environment, with no phone, no books, no pen and paper, I didn’t even take my camera(!) was good. There were times (many) when I just did not want to meditate, then I would realise that there was absolutely nothing else to do, we were not even allowed to sleep during the day or before 10 pm. I’d never been so glad to go to sleep in my life, even on that thin, so-called ‘mattress’.
There was no-one looking over my shoulder, and once a day I would shuffle in on my knees and prostrate myself 3 times before the Abbot and report to him on my progress. Any complaints he’d heard a thousand times before and would brush over. When I told him that my right leg got so numb I could not feel it or stand on it afterwards, he said, but you still have the other leg to get up. He’d say, sit for 5 more minutes and try to do 9 hours. Some people were sitting for an hour and doing over 12 hours a day.
I started out at 15 minutes each walking and sitting, then another 15 minutes of each, as many times possible in a day. The meditation was not so much about clearing my mind completely, something I always find frustrating, but recognising and acknowledging thoughts (thinking, thinking, thinking), feelings (feeling, feeling, feeling), sounds (hearing, hearing, hearing) etc, as they occur then refocussing on the meditation. It emphasises the impermenance of suffering, joy, want, hunger, desire, materialilty.
My difficulty was focussing on the moment. I would start the slow walk, one foot after the other, concentrating of the lifting, moving, and placing of the foot, and be thinking about when the timer would go off to mark the end of my time. When the goal was always to be thinking about nothing more than the movement I was in at the time. Living for the moment. I thought I was getting good at this, but I have a ways to go. I would be thinking how endless 30 minutes seem of rising/falling breath and often had to remind myself that this was where I wanted to be. I would think about lunch, or what I would do when I left, or sleep or memories from yesterday or years ago and remind myself that none of that mattered. I was there, I had nowhere else to be I had no other obligation or duty in the universe except to pour my concentration into my current breath or footstep.
When I got it, it was great. For time and people and obligations to disappear and to focus only on my physical self was exactly what I had been looking for and wishing for. It did produce an inner peace, a slowing down, a good aloneness and a calmness that I have been needing for a long time. There were moments where I felt euphoric at my achievement, moments when I was completely focussed on exactly what I was doing, and many more moments when I struggled against frustration, boredom, impatience, self-doubt, fatigue and hunger.
So what did I learn? Some things I knew like a lack of willpower, and propensity to want to give-up, and an accomplished ability for procrastination and fafferising? But slowly realised something I found more significant. The extent of which surprised me. As I acknowledged my thoughts, feelings and actions came to understand the extent they are driven by my insecurity. (Ah der! You’re saying, but you know you can’t tell me anything).
It was, in way the bolt of lightening, or end-of-book realisation I was hoping for. I’d say that my insecurity drives 90 percent of the thoughts, actions and feelings that bring me discomfit is omnipresent. This is not as depressing as it sounds, certainly the realisation is positive. I think knowing oneself is better than not knowing, knowing and accepting clears the way for understanding and considerate action.
Where now? Well, I’ve been trying for years to overcome my insecurity, self-help books, saying ‘I love you, you’re a wonderful person’ to the mirror! But none of that has helped. I’d say I’m never going to change that, the way forward for me now, I hope, is to work more on recognising when my insecurity is driving me and re-steer myself in a better direction. Recognition leads to re-evaluation and a changing of one’s thoughts, I learned that through all the 10 cent counselling I had when I was down.
Honestly, I ended up leaving after 7 days, instead of staying the full 10. I could not get past 30 minutes sitting at a time, and could not manage more than 8 hours a day. After struggling for 3 days to progress past this point, I decided the unhappiness and stress this was causing me was counter-productive to the initial benefits of the meditation. I finished up on Wednesday afternoon, but waited a few days before writing to see how much had remained with me.
I knew I was going against everything that I had been learning, at least I had learnt enough to know that. The suffering, the stalling and the struggle are part of the learning. But I left with that awareness and l left the Wat happily, especially thanks to a lack of judgement from the teacher and myself. I remain happy with my decision. I may try again some time, in a different way, and I will try other things that encourage mindfulness in other ways, like yoga (have been twice since I got back). There is more than one path to enlightenment.
I am still the same person, but one step closer to being her.
Oh, I did go a few days without smoking, but am smoking again, trying to smoke mindfully.
And that woman did not pay me back. I’ll have to mediate long and hard to find peace on that one.
Health, happiness and peace to everyone, except that bitch from South Africa.
posted by x kel at 9:24 PM
2 Comments:
Well done Kellie - 7 days is quite an achievement!! Missing you - will write you a newsy e-mail soon
Hey Kellie..... Loving reading about your journey of discovery. You're a strong incredible woman!!
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